Right or Wrong Thinking

I grew up in a family that was religious and actions were characterized as right or wrong. Almost every action was either a right one or a wrong one. If I didn't receive immediate consequences, at death I would reap the final consequence. I carried that thinking into my adult life.

And then I had children. One of my children did not do "right" things from the beginning. He was always in trouble, lied a lot, didn't follow the rules, and didn't seem to learn from consequences. And for years I applied the right or wrong ideology in my head, and probably in his too. But I've got to tell you that his "goodness" or "badness" had nothing to do with how much I loved and still love him.

Somewhere along the line I realized that right or wrong thinking wasn't a belief that was serving me. It made me unhappy. I challenged that belief (and still do on a regular basis) and find myself happier when I can let go of it. I try to think of my son's behavior as neither right or wrong. My son has value because he is who he is right now. His choices are irrelevant to his value. And the consequences of his actions are neither good or bad, they are just consequences.

Walking Away

I've learned that the drug addict often redirects attention from himself by making accusations towards me. And often I find myself taking the bait. "You never believe me. How could you not believe your own son? Your approval is what I want most because you're my mother. How can a mother believe a total stranger over her son?" And then I'm off and running, defending myself and trying to rationalize with an irrational person. I find myself trying to build a case to defend my actions. And the craziness escalates.

It's okay to not defend yourself. It's okay to say nothing. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to hang up. Nothing is achieved by arguing with an active drug addict. The drug addict is not the same person I know. I am not arguing with my son but with my son on drugs. I will never win.

So in those difficult times when I'm being attacked to take the heat off him; I need to take care of myself. I need to learn to walk away.

Tough Love Or A Boundary

My son's problems and urgency seem to escalate as the sun goes down and it gets closer to my bedtime. His most urgent calls are at midnight or later. And the later it becomes the more demanding he is that his emergency is my urgency.

If he calls me crying, begging, or yelling I don't give in. I know that if I do, it strengthens his desire to call me to solve his problems. But don't think for a moment that when he calls at 2:00a.m., I quietly hang the phone up and doze back to sleep. Instead I toss and turn, worry, obsess, hurt, cry and feel absolutely drained in the morning.

This happened enough times that I made a decision. I told my son I would not accept any phone call from him after 6:00p.m. I told him why. When I told one of my friends about my new policy she said "Good for you, tough love is hard but it is the best thing."

Hmmm........tough love-I've never been a big fan of that philosophy. So what's different about what I did and tough love? I set a boundary for myself. I want to sleep and its what I need to be happy and peaceful. Tough Love is setting a boundary so you can coerce the other person to succumb to your wishes.

For months I left my phone on and tortured myself when I would see that he was calling. I patted myself on the back for sticking to my promise and not answering. But finally I set another boundary; I turn my phone off when I go to sleep. And I sleep so much better.