Settling In With Feeling Uncomfortable

I've been really uncomfortable lately. I feel unsettled, agitated, and impatient. And I want to fix it. There is a lot of chaos in my life and in the past I could manipulate and control situations so that I felt better. Or at least that is what is in my memory.

But this time my unsettled feelings can't seem to be soothed. They keep rearing up and my stomach churns when trying to deal with them. And finally I have decided I can't fight it anymore. I'm uncomfortable. I'm unsettled. I'm scared. These actions causing these feelings are not in my control.

There is nothing to do but accept this limbo and wait for it to pass. It will pass. All things do. So today I will take care of myself and treat myself like a best friend. I'll tell myself nice things. I'll allow time to be alone. I'll sip a glass of wine on the deck while reading a book. Because inside I am well and whole.

Not Engaging

What are some ways I can disengage from toxic behavior.

Walk away.
Roll up the window.
Take a walk in the opposite direction.
Get in the car and drive off.
Go to the bathroom, for a long time.
Mow the lawn.
Water the grass.
Sweep the porch.
Go to a nursery.
Go to the grocery store.

What are comments that don't escalate toxic behavior.

Hmm...
You may be right.
That's one way to look at it.
Let talk later.
I don't want to talk right now.
I need to think.

Doing Nothing

Wow, this week has been hard! Not only do I have two sons who are angry and at times spew venom but now I have another relative who is yelling obscenities. This behavior is definitely throwing me off center. I realize that I am fearful but I don't know of what.

There is a river that I love that runs through the town I live in. I love to walk on it with my dogs or ride my bike alongside it on the path or just sit next to it. I love to watch how it swells in the spring and tapers off as the seasons progress. It has such energy and life. If I stop and think too much about how I love it then somehow I lose the enjoyment. It's like I'm holding on too tight. It is it's ever changing spirit that I love. To capture it would be to lose it.

Perhaps I can look at my personal life the same way. I need to let it flow and let crazy behavior be crazy and let it flow past me. I don't always have to act on crazy behavior. Sometimes the best defense is no defense. A great strategy is to do nothing.

Expectations

A lot of my unhappiness stems from expectations I have. Expectations of what my day will be like. Expectations of what a relationship I have will turn into. Expectations of what my children will do with their lives. And expectations almost never become reality.

Do an experiment. Draw a line down the middle of your journal paper. On one side write down what you are worried about. On the other side write down what you think is going to happen. Each and everytime you are worried about something repeat the process. Then see if you see a pattern.

Our expectations can get us in trouble. Our life unfolding is a wonderful and joyous surprise. And although there is sadness and pain it is always changing to unfold new lessons. So today is what I have. And today I am doing well.

Right or Wrong Thinking

I grew up in a family that was religious and actions were characterized as right or wrong. Almost every action was either a right one or a wrong one. If I didn't receive immediate consequences, at death I would reap the final consequence. I carried that thinking into my adult life.

And then I had children. One of my children did not do "right" things from the beginning. He was always in trouble, lied a lot, didn't follow the rules, and didn't seem to learn from consequences. And for years I applied the right or wrong ideology in my head, and probably in his too. But I've got to tell you that his "goodness" or "badness" had nothing to do with how much I loved and still love him.

Somewhere along the line I realized that right or wrong thinking wasn't a belief that was serving me. It made me unhappy. I challenged that belief (and still do on a regular basis) and find myself happier when I can let go of it. I try to think of my son's behavior as neither right or wrong. My son has value because he is who he is right now. His choices are irrelevant to his value. And the consequences of his actions are neither good or bad, they are just consequences.

Walking Away

I've learned that the drug addict often redirects attention from himself by making accusations towards me. And often I find myself taking the bait. "You never believe me. How could you not believe your own son? Your approval is what I want most because you're my mother. How can a mother believe a total stranger over her son?" And then I'm off and running, defending myself and trying to rationalize with an irrational person. I find myself trying to build a case to defend my actions. And the craziness escalates.

It's okay to not defend yourself. It's okay to say nothing. It's okay to walk away. It's okay to hang up. Nothing is achieved by arguing with an active drug addict. The drug addict is not the same person I know. I am not arguing with my son but with my son on drugs. I will never win.

So in those difficult times when I'm being attacked to take the heat off him; I need to take care of myself. I need to learn to walk away.

Tough Love Or A Boundary

My son's problems and urgency seem to escalate as the sun goes down and it gets closer to my bedtime. His most urgent calls are at midnight or later. And the later it becomes the more demanding he is that his emergency is my urgency.

If he calls me crying, begging, or yelling I don't give in. I know that if I do, it strengthens his desire to call me to solve his problems. But don't think for a moment that when he calls at 2:00a.m., I quietly hang the phone up and doze back to sleep. Instead I toss and turn, worry, obsess, hurt, cry and feel absolutely drained in the morning.

This happened enough times that I made a decision. I told my son I would not accept any phone call from him after 6:00p.m. I told him why. When I told one of my friends about my new policy she said "Good for you, tough love is hard but it is the best thing."

Hmmm........tough love-I've never been a big fan of that philosophy. So what's different about what I did and tough love? I set a boundary for myself. I want to sleep and its what I need to be happy and peaceful. Tough Love is setting a boundary so you can coerce the other person to succumb to your wishes.

For months I left my phone on and tortured myself when I would see that he was calling. I patted myself on the back for sticking to my promise and not answering. But finally I set another boundary; I turn my phone off when I go to sleep. And I sleep so much better.

Leaving Children Alone

As a mother I want to fix things. I've become accustomed to being the parent, the counselor, the problem solver. I pride myself on getting things done. I'm good at problem solving and once I decide to do something I am tenacious.

But with my teenagers I find that sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. In the last couple of years one of my sons has gotten into drugs. He has left home and is down his own path that has nothing to do with me. It scares me to death to think about what he might be encountering at this very moment. I can make myself crazy thinking about him or what I might do to keep him safe. But time and time again I've seen that it doesn't matter what I do because he (and he alone) has the power to change his life.

The liberation in that, is that I have the power to change my life. So I bless him as often as I need to, and then I take care of myself. I try to stop thinking about what my actions will cause in him, (dignity?, insight?, recovery?) and concentrate on what my actions will cause in me. When I allow myself I can find serenity and even joy!

Finding Home

Having a child who is addicted consumes ones thoughts. I find myself rehashing our last experience or imagined images of where he is right now. If I were to imagine that I have 100 units of energy a day I sometimes feel as if I use 99 of them on worrying or thinking about a son who is not here and who I have no control over. So I try to dole out the units of energy to all those important to me. I dole a few out to my addicted son, but then I dole more out to another son and then to my partner and to my work. And lastly I dole a hefty dose out to me. Because with all the chaos I lose track of me.

There's a place inside that I call home. When I am consumed with others I lose track of that place. It's inside and a place that brings me serenity. So each day I try to dole out some units of energy for myself. In those times I walk, read, take a shower, stretch and just be. When I reach a calmness and a peacefulness with myself I know that I have found home.

Teenagers growing up

What a long time ago when my children were outside playing in the sprinklers and begging for slices of seeded watermelon while I prepared dinner watching them from the kitchen window. What dreams I had for who they would become! So imagine my shock when I get a call announcing my 19 year old son has been arrested for possession of cocaine. How did this all happen?

This blog is for me (and maybe you) to talk about how to come to terms with the changes that occur in our own lives when our children take a left turn when we expected a straight on course. It's to talk about how to deal with the grief and the actions and the moving on when a child in our lives is spiralling down out of control.

I have lots of thoughts and imagine you do too. Lets talk. And in the process we can heal and learn to live happy, joyful lives despite the actions of our children.